How to NOT Punch People in the Throat


Preface:  I found this draft, originally created in April, and am posting it now. Obviously the video was added today, not six months ago, since the video was created in September. I don’t have a time machine. Ya know, in case you were wondering. To clarify, today I’m actually in a pretty good mood and don’t want to punch anyone in the throat. At least not yet. It’s still early, though. My mood could change. It’s been known to happen.Oh, and I never punched the acquaintance in the throat, either, because I practiced these tips, of course.

How to NOT Punch People in the Throat:

I’m trying to brainstorm of multiple blog posts & FB posts & tweets for multiple sites & my head is all floopy. Plus also an acquaintance of mine & I are disagreeing and I want to punch him in the throat. But not really. Ok yes. Really. But actual violence never solves anything even though it may make you feel better for just a moment or two. At least that’s what people tell me.

So I figure I’ll post a couple of handy “how to NOT punch people in the throat” tips that have worked for me so far. I hope you find them useful.

1) Excuse yourself from the situation. This is KEY. No longer having to stare your nemesis in the face will help calm your nerves & give you a chance to think rationally and non-violently. Plus you physically cannot punch them in the face if you’re in a different room. I mean, not without the use of telekinesis or the ability to teleport or something. If you do have those powers, please let me know. Gas is expensive, the ability to teleport would come in handy.

2) Self medicate with chocolate & wine. But only chocolate if you’re at work. No wine at work. Employers frown upon that unless, of course, you’re a professional wine taster. In that case, drink away. Also tell me how you got that job. Disclaimer: Moderation, people. Do not do this step if you have food/alcohol addictions. For serious. Maybe just skip to number 3.

3) Buy boxing gloves & hire a personal trainer to hold pads for you so you can hit the pads as hard as you want. Then it’s not violence. It’s training….to be violent. Wait. Ok, so technically this IS violent, but you’re not attacking the person who is bothering you, so therefore it’s ok. I think. Plus this training also teaches you hand/eye coordination, which is useful on many occasions. Like frisbee golf & not dropping babies. Plus also boxing releases endorphins & endorphins make you happy & happy people don’t kill people…usually. At least that’s what we learned from Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, so obviously it must be true.

4) Realize you’re not always going to get your way. I know, it’s shocking, but the world indeed does not revolve around you. Sorry ’bout it. This is an especially hard fact for those of you that grew up as only children and never spent afternoons smacking the crap out of your siblings for taking your G.I.Joe and/or Barbies. Or, ya know, legos. I don’t know what you played with as a kid. I don’t know your life. Who knows, maybe you had a pet monkey. Lucky punk. Anyway, you are not the sun, and the world does not revolve around you. Learn it, know it, accept it.

5) Accept the fact that the person you want to punch in the throat probably will not change. Ever. While this is disappointing, once you accept this fact you can stop wasting your precious energy dreaming of ways to cause the person pain. This acceptance is quite freeing. Does it mean you will no longer have problems with the person? No. Will you find occasions where you still want to punch him/her in the throat? Sure. However, once you realize that a punch in the throat will not solve the issue, you can learn to find other ways of dealing with this individual. I dunno, like compromise. There’s a thought. This is a far more useful practice. Stuff actually gets done when you compromise.

So there you go. Feel better? Less violent now? No? Here, watch this video.

If that didn’t help, I dunno what to tell you. Except get a freakin’ therapist. You need more help than I can give you.

The End.

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